i did it.

no, not another piercing. not even a tattoo, though i've considered it.

i took a step of faith, here's the scoop.

i would say that i've had a bit of an identity crisis in recent months, evidenced by lots of tears, searching for jobs, making many "what i want to do" lists, and talking to dozens of people about the turmoil within me. thank you to those of you that have walked with me.

it was not so much a struggle of understanding my identity in Christ, though it was a good time for a refresher course in that. it was more about asking God what he wants me to do with my time. i have no five year plan. i have no ten year plan. i know what i care about, but i have not ever really taken big steps to pursue my passions. i know i would be satisfied doing a number of things in this world. i have just very pro-actively taken life as it came because God has been incredibly faithful to provide great friends, great opportunities, and great ministries. this summer, however, i came to the crossroads of this and it was time to make a plan.

you see, for the past 2 years i've been praying, i mean really praying about what God wants me to do "next" in my life. i have felt for 2 years that it was time to leave my job. first, i was ready to leave for africa. second, i was ready to leave so i could be a missions director. God closed those doors. while i have grieved the loss of those dreams, i am ok with the closed doors. so by "next," it seems he wasn't ready to move me as quickly as i thought (and hoped).

God apparently wanted me to learn a lot more...
learn more about Africa
learn about leadership & serving in a local church
learn more about dependence on him
learn more about community with believers
learn more about dealing with the tough stuff
learn what it is like to step off a plane and into a slum in Nairobi
learn what fuels my passion
learn that there's much i still do not understand
learn more of Jesus

now to what i did.

i took my next step toward learning. i took a leap of faith toward something i really want. i'm not one who shies away from dreaming big and going after those dreams, but at the same time i haven't taken a step like this in recent years.

all of the experiences over the last two years have helped me narrow down the list of what most burdens me in the world.

in three words: children at risk

did you know that you can get a masters degree in this????

i applied to graduate school.
in california.
really.
pressing that "submit" button yesterday was the best feeling i've had in months.

while i have my heart really set on this plan, i want it to be His plan and not mine. i don't want to ask God to bless my steps, i want to step into His plan of how he wants to use my days, my gifts, and my passions.

i am also truly praying that i remain open to whatever God has for me, even if He closes this door and keeps me in the bustling midwest metropolis of fort wayne for many more years.

now, waiting time. and praying.
and trusting.

i'm trusting God (in the words of Pastor Sammy in Kibera) that I will be accepted and that financial aid will come through to make it possible for me to start classes next year.

and i pray that looking back i never really say "i did it" because if i've learned anything in my life, it's that God did it all.

all praise and honor and glory is due to Him.

will you pray for Pastor Sammy today? pray with me that he would have food for his family, increased faith for tomorrow, and boldness with the Gospel.